(i need to know) how do you feel?
by danahscott
Summary: When Maya catches Josh kissing another girl, all she wants is to make him feel as mad as she does. So she tells him she and Lucas are dating. She doesn't want to do the whole fake dating thing with Lucas, but damned if Maya Hart doesn't finish what she starts. This won't dredge up any old feelings, though, right? Right?


In hindsight, Maya should have known that when it came to Lucas, things were never simple. As she watched his receding form finally turn the corner and disappear, she wished she had just let well enough alone. But it had started out innocently enough. In the beginning, it wasn't about Lucas at all. It was all about Josh.

-::-::-::-::-::-

Well, if you really wanted to go back to the beginning, it started with Missy Bradford. Riley and Lucas hadn't been broken up for a month before Missy tried to sink her teeth into Lucas. Except this time, Riley wasn't having a meltdown over it. It kinda felt like someone should care that Missy had come back with a vengeance, but when she asked Riley about it, Riley just shrugged and said, "Lucas can go out with whoever he wants." She even smiled while saying it.

Maya was the first person Riley told after the break up. She didn't cry. She actually looked kind of relieved. She explained that he was great and they didn't care about each other any less, but that once they'd gotten together, it was different than either of them expected it would be. She said that all the conversations they'd wanted to have with each other weren't being had, and when they did talk to each other about real stuff, they only ever agreed with each other. She used the words "supposed to" a lot, and she finished by saying, "I don't think we ever really liked each other like that."

Maya couldn't understand why no one else seemed to think this was a big deal. Riley and Lucas acted mostly the same except now they didn't force themselves to hold hands. Lucas seemed more relaxed, too, like he'd been holding his breath for a while and had finally let it out. Maya wasn't convinced. Cory and Topanga had broken up in high school, how would this be any different? But she supported Riley through everything so she'd support her through this, too.

And now, Maya kept catching Missy leaning against Lucas' locker with a strand of hair twirled around her fingers or draping her hand on his shoulder on their way to Algebra. Maya didn't know why it bothered her. It wasn't like Lucas was gonna get taken away from them or anything. Maya was pretty sure she was upset because Lucas was Riley's. It was the only thing that made sense.

So when she saw Missy beelining for Lucas in the hallway before class, she called out, "Hey, huckleberry! Did you get number seven on the history homework?"

Maya would be lying if she said Missy Bradford's pissed off face as Lucas turned away from her didn't make her a little bit pleased. Lucas looked at Maya, confused but smiling. "But we didn't have history homework."

"I know," she said, pulling Lucas off to the side. When she realized how close they were standing, she took a step back. "What's the deal with you and Missy?"

Lucas whipped his head around, checking over his shoulder. "Is she here?" he whispered.

"I intercepted."

He groaned, leaning against the lockers. "That's the third time today. She won't leave me alone. She's convinced we're supposed to be this power couple or something."

"So you don't actually like her, then?"  
Lucas tilted his head. "No… Do you care?" he challenged her, but he was smiling again.

"I care if Riley cares. That's all," Maya said, and Lucas' smile faded a little bit. She was glad when the bell rang. This thirty second conversation between her and Lucas was probably the longest one-on-one time they'd had in a while.

But after three years of pushing Riley and Lucas together to give Riley the romance she'd always wanted, Maya was exhausted. It helped to know that when they inevitably got back together, Missy Bradford wouldn't be a problem that Maya had to fix.

-::-::-::-::-::-

For the next week, whenever Maya saw Lucas and Missy in the hallway, she was more amused than annoyed. But aside from that, Maya didn't think about them all that much. It felt nice knowing that Josh was somewhere in New York waiting for her in the same way she was waiting for him. Mostly she was glad to not have to worry about dating at all. She was so tired after this year. She wanted to lay low, kick back and let her other friends worry about relationship drama.

But life, as always, had different plans for Maya Hart. Less than a week after she'd talked to Lucas about Missy, she saw Josh. Then she saw the girl he was kissing. Maya was standing at the bottom of the stairs leading into the subway. She didn't move as Josh pulled away, grinning. She didn't move as the girl got onto the subway, giving Josh a final look. She didn't move as Josh raised his hand in a wave and didn't drop it even after the subway had gone.

Disappointment sunk like a stone to the bottom of her stomach. Disappointment, but not surprise. He didn't turn as she walked up behind him. "So, someday?"

When he did face her, Maya made sure not to make eye contact. "Maya - "

"Long game?"  
"Just let me - "

"I thought you'd at least let me know before you went back on our deal."

Josh's mouth opened and closed a few times before he spoke again. "Look, I really like Hannah. I want to see where things go with her. And if it doesn't work out, then our deal still stands."

Oh. So she wasn't his long game, she was his back up plan? Maya used to think Riley was the naive one, but now she wasn't so sure. But she turned towards Josh and smiled. She was still so good at lying. "Well, actually, this saves me a very awkward conversation."

Josh shifted on his feet. His mouth twitched. Cracks in his foundation. "What are you talking about?"

"I've sort of started seeing someone," Maya said. She smiled. Looked down. She played her part well. She could feel the walls building inside her.

"Is it serious?" Josh wasn't smiling anymore. He looked a little angry.

"It's new. But yeah, I think it is."

"It's not Lucas, is it?"

Okay. That threw her for a loop. "Why do you care if it is?"

Josh shook his head. "I thought we talked about that. About how you didn't really like him. I just don't want you to lose yourself again."

Maya could hear the train coming. Suddenly, her next answer seemed very simple. "Actually, it _is_ Lucas. And you don't have to worry about me losing myself. He and Riley have been broken up for a month. I'm not trying to protect anybody."

 _Except myself_ , Maya thought. It was only after she was on the subway and out of sight that she realized what a deep hole she'd dug herself into.

-::-::-::-::-::-

Maya had to scroll deep into her past messages before she found Lucas' name. She thought about what to tell him. They used to talk so easily. And now, after near silence for months, she needed him. Her fingers hovered over the screen. Finally, she settled on: can we meet? i need your help.

He replied within seconds: On my way.

-::-::-::-::-::-

She waited for him on the roof. It was warm and the air smelled sweet. Spring was definitely in the air. Maya liked New York at night. The city never slept, but from up here it was almost peaceful.

She wanted to savor this moment. This moment before things got complicated and new. Right now, her life was quiet and predictable and maybe painful, but it was a pain she could live with. Letting Lucas back into her life, in any capacity, meant things would change. And that was scary.

But she dug this hole for herself. Damned if Maya Hart didn't finish what she started.

She didn't turn around at first when she heard Lucas come through the door. When he spoke, he sounded breathless. "Is everything okay? I got your text."

When Maya faced him, he was panting and sweaty. She fought the urge to laugh. "Did you run here?"

"No, uh, I took the subway… When I got to the stairs, I ran."

Maya couldn't help it. She laughed anyway. She felt the same twinge in her heart that she'd had when she poured the smoothie on his head. Such a good guy. "You could have taken the elevator."

Lucas made his way next to her. "I don't hear from you for a long time, then you text me saying you need help, so yeah. I ran."

"I didn't say I needed help, I said I needed _your_ help, there's a diff-"

"Maya, why am I here?"

She took a deep breath. He was standing so close that she wanted to take a few steps back, but she made herself stay put. Maya turned away from him, facing the night sky again. "Josh kissed someone."

Lucas was quiet for a long time behind her. "Are you okay?"

"Her name is Hannah. He wants to try and make things work with her. He wasn't even going to tell me."

"I'm so sorry, Maya."

"I was so mad. I wanted to make him upset, so I said I was dating someone," Maya said. She still wasn't looking at Lucas.

"So, what does that have to do with me?" Lucas said, but it sounded like he already knew.

"He asked who it was and I knew what would make him the maddest would be if I said your name, so that's what I said." Finally, she turned to Lucas. She really wished she'd just gone with Zay.

Lucas' face didn't betray any emotion, except maybe confusion. "Why would that make him the maddest?"

Oh. Maya wasn't expecting that question. She didn't have the time or energy to tell him the truth, what really happened, not just at the ski lodge but the whole two weeks before. So she settled on a half truth. "I guess since we made our deal the day you and I called it quits, it felt like I was choosing him. And if I just go back to you, it feels like maybe I never really chose him at all."

Lucas frowned a little. "Yeah, I guess that makes sense." He looked at her. "What do you want me to do?"

Here goes. "You're still having problems with Missy, right?" Maya said. Lucas nodded. "We could get her off your case and make Josh jealous with one stone."

"One stone?"

"Missy and Josh are the birds. We're the stone."

"You're saying we - "

"-pretend to date. Yeah. Why not?"

"I can think of a lot of reasons why not."

Maya sighed. She had a feeling this was how the conversation would go. "I get it. I know it's a lot. But I'm your friend and I'm asking for your help."

Lucas shook his head a little bit then tilted his head to the sky. "I can't believe I'm doing this." He looked back down at her. "When do we start?"

-::-::-::-::-::-

Maya was to walk Lucas to all of his classes. They would hold hands whenever they were next to each other. In every class they shared, Lucas would sit behind her. Every day, they'd eat lunch together. That would take care of the Missy problem. The Josh thing was trickier.

Twice a week, Maya and Lucas would eat together at Topanga's. He'd walk her to the subway everyday after school. And they'd make a few cute posts for Maya's Instagram and hopefully, that would be enough for Josh to see them together.

Finally, they, couldn't tell anyone it was fake. Maya objected to this at first. "I don't want to lie to Riley."

"Riley can't keep a secret for her life, we can't tell her."

"Fine, but you can't tell Zay."

"Telling Zay would be the worst idea ever," Lucas said, laughing.

"And if Riley starts to get even a little bit upset, we call it off."  
They shook hands. It would start tomorrow morning.

Game on.

-::-::-::-::-::-

Maya thought she was nervous to talk to Lucas last night, but as she climbed into the bay window, her stomach started doing somersaults. Riley was sitting patiently, waiting for Maya. Her face lit up when she saw her.

"Peaches! You're early!"

"Yeah," Maya said, sitting next to Riley. "I wanted to talk before we headed to school." Riley raised her eyebrows, expectantly. Maya shouldn't be feeling this guilty. "I saw Lucas last night."

Riley's face didn't change. She just cocked her her head. "And?"

Maya looked away. "And I think we're going to try again." There was a moment of silence. She didn't look up. "If you don't want this, just say the word and we won't do anything, I pr - "

"Maya," Riley said. Maya reluctantly looked at her. "I am so happy for you."

Maya bit her lip. "You are?"

"Of course," Riley said, pulling her into a hug. Maya didn't understand why this huge wave of relief washed over her. Not just because of this plan with Lucas, but something deeper. Something that had been building up for a long time. "Maya, you and Lucas are two of my favorite people in the world. I just want you guys to be happy."  
Maya also didn't know why she found herself crying. "I thought - I thought you didn't want-"

"It's not about what I want."

Maya pulled away, wiping a little at her eyes. "But you're okay with it?"

"More than okay with it. This is a good thing."

Maya blinked, disoriented. She didn't really know what just happened, or why she got so emotional. But as she climbed out the window with Riley's hand in hers, she felt something broken inside of her slowly start to rebuild.

-::-::-::-::-::-

She was nervous as she waited for Lucas. She didn't know why that was. But when she saw him walking towards her, her butterflies settled. They got this. All they had to do was play the part. So when Maya saw Missy start to head towards Lucas, she acted fast.

"Huckleberry!" she called out. The word felt familiar in her mouth. She ran to him, and on impulse, threw her arms around his neck. He stumbled a little, surprised, but his body was solid and firm against hers. "I talked to Riley this morning," she whispered in his ear.

"And?" he whispered back, holding her a little tighter.

"She bought it. You talk to Farkle and Zay yet?"

"I thought we could do it together."

"Oh, thanks. Pin me with all the hard stuff."

Lucas just laughed, and suddenly, he was lifting her off her feet and spinning her around. Maya wasn't expecting that, but when he set her back down, she found herself laughing, too.

"Ready for chemistry?" Lucas asked, sliding his hand into hers. Missy was staring daggers into Maya's back, and Maya'd be lying if she said there wasn't a large part of her that took pleasure in that.

Yeah, she was ready for chemistry.

-::-::-::-::-::-

Lunch was another story.

She was contractually obligated to eat lunch with Lucas, and that wasn't too weird, since the group ate lunch together most days. But lunch as Lucas' girlfriend? Maya was the last one to the cafeteria, and the shit-eating grin on Zay's face made her want to turn the other way. But a deal's a deal.

"Hey, saved you a seat." Lucas said, patting the chair next to him.

Maya couldn't help herself. "Did you just pat for me to sit down?"

Lucas didn't miss a beat. "I was patting for a better place for me to sit," he said, sliding over. Maya smiled at the memory, taking her seat next to him.

"Oh, get a room," Zay said.

"Enjoying yourself, Zay?" Maya asked.

"Very much."  
"Well, I'm not!" Farkle said. "Why didn't we know about this?"

"The only person I told was Riley," Maya replied.

"Yeah, and she only told me this morning," Riley said, taking a long sip of her soda.

"Oh, okay," Zay chimed in again. "So how long has this been going on behind our backs then?"

"It hasn't! Lucas?" Maya looked to him for help.

"We got together last night and, uh, realized that our feelings for each other hadn't gone away, so…"

Everyone sat in awkward silence for a few moments. Finally, Farkle said, "I still can't believe you didn't tell us!"

Maya sighed. This was a lot harder than she'd thought it would be. "Look, I know you're all really surprised that Lucas and I are dating now, but-"

"I don't think anyone's surprised by that," Smackle interrupted.

"What?" Maya said.

"Yeah, Smackle just gave me five dollars. She thought it would take longer." Zay took a crumpled five dollar bill from his pocket and held it up as proof. Maya must have looked embarrassed or angry because Zay softened a little bit. "Hey, I know we're making fun of you, but it's just because we love you and we want you to be happy. But it's also been three years of us waiting for y'all to figure it out, and we're very tired. So thank you for finally figuring it out."

-::-::-::-::-::-

That lunch made Maya wish her friends knew the truth. Because they hadn't figured anything out! It was just pretend! But it didn't seem to bother Lucas, so Maya decided she wouldn't let it bother her, either. True to his promise, he sat behind her in every class they had together. Maya wasn't used to having him so close, which was strange, because she used to have him near her all the time.

Maya had no idea how she handled that. It was the end of the first day of this charade, and she was exhausted. Not necessarily in a bad way, though. Because somewhere in her hidden heart, Maya had missed him. Which was why she couldn't fight the smile that came to her face when he showed up to walk her to the subway. She didn't even mind holding his hand.

"I think that went well," she said.

"Actually," Lucas started, "this is more fun than I thought it'd be."

"Plus we're definitely pissing Missy off. One bird down, one to go."

"Speaking of birds, should we get that picture?"

Maya tried to figure out the best way to do it, but apparently, Lucas had been thinking about it. WIthin minutes, there was a picture up on Maya's story of her kissing Lucas' cheek. This way she could whether Josh saw it or not. The caption was "huckleberry has my heart."

Lucas snapped a picture of Maya smiling back at him, her hand holding his at the entrance of the subway. The strange part was how it didn't even feel like pretend.

As Maya slid into her seat on the subway, she got two notifications.

tagged you in a post

and 7 others viewed your story

So it began.

-::-::-::-::-::-

Their routine worked pretty well. One week in and only Zay was still giving them shit. Sometimes, Maya forgot it was all pretend, that up until very recently, if Lucas was coming towards her in the hallway, she would turn the other way. Now, the more time she'd spent with him, the more she realized she'd missed him.

Maya even started to look forward to their dates at Topanga's. She didn't admit any of that to herself, though. But it did feel like serious deja vu, sitting facing him in those same orange chairs.

"Please don't order a smoothie again," Lucas said, turning towards her. "My red shirt still smells like grapefruit."

Maya couldn't help laughing at him. She felt that familiar twinge in her heart.

"It's so nice to hear you laugh again," Lucas blurted out. "I really missed that."

Maya's smile faded a little bit, but the softness in her eyes stayed the same. "You know no one's watching anymore, right? We don't have to pretend right now."

"Then I must have meant it," he said, not quite looking at her. Maya blinked, slowly. "It just feels like it's been a while since we hung out."

"But you've heard me laugh."

"Not with me," he said. "Not since Mount Sun Lodge."

It seemed that no matter how hard Maya tried, the conversation was headed somewhere Maya didn't want to go. "Well, that was a long time ago."

"Not that long," Lucas said. _Long enough_ , Maya thought. "You never did answer my smoothie question either."

She sighed. Well, she wasn't getting out of this one. "Sometimes, Huckleberry, you're so nice it hurts. How could I not mess you up a little?"

"That's what that was?" he asked. Maya shrugged. "I thought maybe it was a bad thing. I mean, when I was making my decision about you guys, I built it up to be this big deal, but that's not a bad thing at all."

Maya was confused. She didn't know what Lucas was trying to say. "But… it was a big deal. That's how I realized I never really liked you."

"You never really liked me?" Lucas said. He sounded hurt. Maya tried to bring to the surface all the things that she'd told herself a million times already: that she'd turned into Riley, that whatever she'd felt for Lucas was just the Riley part of her, that whatever Lucas had felt for her was just the Riley he saw in her, but when Maya saw the look on Lucas' face, everything in her fell silent. She just wanted to take the words back.

"I thought you knew, I thought - Well, isn't that why you ended things?"

"I just thought we believed we weren't right for each other. I mean, that's what it was for me."

"Oh," Maya said, feeling strange. "That's what it was for you?"

"What did you think it was?"

"That you didn't really like me, either."

"Well, I did."

"Oh." Maya was definitely not expecting that. Her stomach was doing acrobatics now. She felt like she should say something, but all her words failed her.

"So what was the campfire, then? Or New Year's? Or… everything?" He didn't sound accusatory, just puzzled.

"I was confused. Riley and I had to work some stuff out -"

"Yeah, it seems like you guys did a lot of working stuff out on your own. I just know things were different with you after that. They were different with us," Lucas said. Maya stayed silent. It felt like he wanted answers that she didn't have. "How did the smoothie make you realize you didn't like me?"

"Like I said, you're such a nice guy. I'm Maya. I don't like nice guys."

Lucas softened at that, eyes crinkling in the way that made Maya's heart twinge again. "You should want a nice guy. It doesn't have to be me, maybe it's Josh, but whoever you end up with, I hope he's a nice guy. Because that's what you deserve." Then, he got up to go place their order - he didn't have to ask what Maya wanted, he knew. Maya started wondering how so many things could exist inside a person at once. And she ignored the fact that when Lucas was talking about who she'd end up with, he didn't take himself off the table.

-::-::-::-::-::-

Things were different between them after that conversation. Sometimes, when he looked at her, he seemed sad. But not bad different. It was like they understood each other better. It didn't feel weird to hold his hand anymore. And she looked forward to meeting him at his locker every morning.

But he was stirring up things she thought had been put to bed months ago. And he was making her second-guess everything she'd realized at the ski lodge. So when their next date at Topanga's rolled around, Maya wanted to put Lucas on the spot this time.

Lucas came to the chairs with two mugs of hot chocolate. When he sat down, Maya went in for the attack. "You know, Huckleberry, I think there are some holes in your story." Lucas raised an eyebrow. "You said you liked me, but the one thing you and I do that you and Riley didn't, you didn't even like."

"Maya, what are you talking about?"

"Messing with you, making fun of you. You said you didn't like that about me."

"When did I say that?"

Maya couldn't believe he didn't remember. She remembered that moment perfectly. "At the ski lodge. I said you like when we tangle, and you said -"

"Oh, that?" Lucas interrupted. Maya blinked. "But that's not like you mocking my accent or calling me Huckleberry. That was a fight."  
"A fight?"

"Yeah. What else would it have been?"

"I don't know. I didn't really get what the big deal was."

"You were dangling off a cliff!"

"Okay, Mr. Drama Queen," Maya said, "I was hardly da-"

"Did you even think about what would have happened if you had lost your balance? Not only to you, but to everyone who cares about you?" Lucas' face was flushed red and his eyebrows were furrowed and again, Maya had to laugh.

"Huckleberry, are you _still_ mad about a fight we had six months ago?"

He sort of blinked, slowly, and shook his head, smiling a bit at himself, but his shoulders were still tense. Maya almost pointed out that Farkle was the one actually dangling off a cliff, and Lucas would've done the exact same thing, but then she was reminded of a warm tent in Texas and a bull named Tombstone and she thought she understood.

So she rerouted. "Well, I wasn't Riley anymore. I had to break at least one rule."

Lucas shook his head again. "You guys kept saying that like it changed everything, but it only made me more confused. You said whatever you felt for me was just what Riley felt." Maya nodded. "But Riley was the one who never really liked me."

Maya didn't say anything. She hadn't really believed that, but after Riley's reaction to the news of Maya and Lucas dating, Maya was starting to think she should trust her best friend.

"And," Lucas continued, "that's not the only difference between me and you and me and Riley. There's Texas."

"What about Texas?" Maya was getting that funny second-guessing feeling again.

"Riley was really encouraging. She wanted me to make my family proud. But you didn't even want me to go near the bull. You didn't want me to get hurt. I understand that now. But I didn't really get it back then."

"That wasn't all it was," Maya said, remembering the look on Lucas' face as Pappy Joe said he was a disappointment.

"Then what else was it?"

It took a special kind of bravery to let someone know how much they meant to you. Maya didn't want to be scared anymore. "You didn't have to ride a bull to make me proud of you. And I never thought you had anything to prove. I thought you were already great, just the way you were." She took a big breath before saying the next bit. "I still think that."

Maybe it was the new glimmer in his eyes or the little twitch of his lips, but Maya realized that maybe no one had ever said that to him before. But he just gave her a small smile and said in a hoarse voice, "Thank you, Maya."

Not for the first time, Maya was starting to sense that everything was changing.

-::-::-::-::-::-

As Lucas walked her to the subway, Maya felt she understood him better than she ever had. The months of barely speaking might as well have never happened. And if Lucas started standing closer to her when he didn't have to, and if his Instagram was filled with pictures he took of her when she wasn't looking, then maybe Maya might just pretend it was still just an act. Maybe there were things she didn't have to confront just yet.

She and Lucas made their way to the subway platform. The next train was coming in five minutes, but Lucas had taken to waiting with her. Today, though, he grabbed Maya and pulled her close. His lips were inches from hers. Maya's breath had left her body. "You ready?" Lucas whispered, eyes flicking to a point above her head. But before Maya could turn and look, Lucas crossed the distance between them and kissed her.

She was instantly transported back to Texas, to the campfire warming her skin, the sound of crickets and heat bugs all around them, to his hands touching her face, to the place where time had stopped and had only now started again.

As he pulled away, everything inside her fell to pieces. Of course. Of course nothing had changed. Her heart was never with Josh. It was here, with Lucas, like it had always been.

She swallowed the question, "Why did you do that?" She was tired of dredging up their past. But her question was answered anyway when Josh came up behind them.

"Maya? You guys are really - I thought we talked about this," he said, his jaw tight. Lucas slung his arm around Maya's shoulders. Her skin felt hot where he touched her.

"I think it's time you stopped meddling in my relationship with Maya. You did enough of that six months ago." Lucas looked to her. "You gonna be okay?"

Maya nodded, feeling so much inside of her she thought she'd fall apart. Just like the day it all began, she threw her arms around his neck, holding him close before she knew she'd have to push him away. "Thanks, huckleberry," she whispered. "For everything."

Josh didn't speak again until Lucas was up the stairs. "Hannah and I broke up."

If he was expecting her to fall at his feet, he was in for a rude awakening. "Whether Lucas and I stay together or we break up, I don't want to be with you, Josh."

She didn't wait for him to respond. Maya was done listening to Josh tell her how to feel.

-::-::-::-::-::-

Instead of getting on the subway, she caught up with Lucas. It was time to end it. Maybe some part of her had wished they could pretend forever. But nothing lasted forever. "Lucas!" she called out, using his real name so he'd know it was important. He looked surprised but happy to see her.

"Hey, what's up?"

"Thank you for all your help. It's meant a lot to me that you agreed to do this, but you're done. I release you from it."

Lucas stood a little straighter, looking more upset than he had any right to be. "Are you and Josh getting back together?"

Maya shook her head. "No. I think I'm done with that."

"But… what if Missy starts bothering me again?" Grasping at straws.

"We can say the breakup was my idea. Just pretend to be hung up on me or something."

"Yeah," he mumbled. "Pretend." The look on his face - Maya was thrown back to a night when she was covered with purple paint and his shirt was bunched up in her hand. Deja vu. Too much of it.

"Well," she said, about to turn away, but Lucas stopped her.

"Are things gonna go back to how they were before?"

The question gave her pause. "Uh, yeah, I guess so."

"What if I don't want them to?"

Answering him now would be braver than Maya could ever be. The truth was hard to bear when you were the only one who knew it, but this burden was a familiar one. "I have to catch my train. I'll see you tomorrow." She almost called him Huckleberry, but the word died on her lips.

She watched him disappear around the corner and wondered if he had a point. After the last three weeks, how could they possibly go back to before?

-::-::-::-::-::-

When everything was going to war inside Maya, when her life was shattering in front of her eyes, when she was blinking back tears in a crowded subway car, where did she go? Where she always went.

To Riley.

-::-::-::-::-::-

And when she found herself crying in the bay window, her best friend's arms were there to catch her. It all came spilling out. Josh. Missy. The deal they made. The lies they told. Riley listened quietly; she didn't interrupt.

When Maya finished, Riley just sat there, looking concerned and unsettled. "Riley," Maya said, "Did I really turn into you? Is that why I liked Lucas?"

Riley sighed. "I was worried I'd done some damage there." She looked at Maya. "I thought you did. I would never have put you through all that if I didn't. But I think I might have done the wrong thing." Maya furrowed eyebrows. God, her head hurt. "I needed to let you feel what you were feeling, but instead I tried to fix you." Riley smiled, sheepishly, looking down at her lap. "I'm still learning not to do that."

"Riley-"

"I thought you turning into me explained away the Lucas problem. I thought only one of us really liked Lucas. And I was right, but I was wrong about which one of us it was."

Maya blinked. Riley and Lucas really _were_ alike - they were both sending her on a head spin. "So I didn't turn into you?"

"Only you can answer that."

"Oh." Maya took a deep breath. She'd known it wasn't true for a while now. But for Riley to say it - "Is it okay? Is it okay for me to have this?"

Riley's arms were around her in an instant. "Go to him. You're going to get everything you want in life."

-::-::-::-::-::-

She texted Lucas: can we meet? riley's roof. Maya left her phone in Riley's room. She knew Lucas would come. And he did, ten minutes later. He looked guarded, a little worried. Maya probably deserved that. "I'm sorry I pushed you away. I don't want things to go back to before either. It's just, you mean a lot to me, and I don't really know how to handle that."

"Maya, I can't just be your friend," Lucas said, suddenly. "If that's what this is, then - then - I just need you to know how I feel."

His words were a wish she'd kept hidden from even herself. There was no hiding anymore. Now, it was time to be honest, even if her heart was beating out of her chest. "I don't just want to be your friend. I never have. I liked you then, and I like you now. It hasn't gone away. I don't think it ever will."

She didn't see Lucas coming towards her, but she was lost in a kiss before she could say another word. This? This was what they'd been fighting? This is what she'd been so scared of at that campfire?

Lucas pulled away, breathless. "I like you so much, Maya. I might even -"

"Don't," she whispered. "We've had enough bad timing."

"Look around. It's just us. You don't have to be scared anymore." He was right. There was just Lucas and the moon. She couldn't see the stars as well as she could in Texas, but they were still shining. His breath was on hers and the taste of him was on her lips. So when he said the next three words, she was ready for it.


End file.
